“Hello?”

 

…

 

“Captain? Sorry, but this isn’t a good time.”

 

…

 

“A code purple? You know I would normally love to help, but I’ve got a thing today. Can you call Glacier? He’s on the schedule.”

 

…

 

“He told you to call me?”

 

…

 

“This is my first day off in months.”

 

…

 

“Mt. Tumbo? Inferno’s lair is in a volcano? Kinda seems like the first place we should’ve looked.”

 

…

 

“Yeah, I can look into hiring new scientists, but can it wait until Monday?”

 

…

 

“Or course. I know. The lair obviously can’t wait, but I really think Glacier’s got this one. His powers are a good fit.”

 

…

 

“He doesn’t… do lava?”

 

…

 

“You’re joking, right?”

 

…

 

“No, fighting fire with fire isn’t really a thing in this case. Ice would definitely be more helpful.”

 

…

 

“He said what?”

 

…

 

“No, I absolutely did not agree to switch days with him.”

 

…

 

“Not true. Check the schedule.”

 

…

 

“What? I’m going to kill him!”

 

…

 

“No, not really. Don’t sound so alarmed. I’m not turning villain on you.”

 

…

 

“Fine. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I just need to change.”

 

The bathroom door creaked as it opened. All six of her bridesmaids turned to stare at her in unison, their eyes wide.

 

“Can somebody please help me unzip my gown?”

 

* * *

 

Earlier that day…

 

“Dare you,” Dwight said.

 

His eyes widened in shock as Arnold hit send on the email with the subject “Possible Villain Lair Identified in Volcano”.

 

“Oh my god! I can’t believe you actually sent it. Delete it before the Captain sees it!”

 

“Dude, take a breath. I know what I’m doing,” said Arnold, still staring at the screen with a smug expression on his face. “Want to know a secret about Glacier?”

 

“Why are you talking? You need to be deleting. Focus on not getting me fired because you think you’re funny.”

 

“Stop stressing. It says possible lair. I’ll just say I was being conversative after seeing some questionable data. If we throw in a couple of big science words nobody will question it. It’ll be fine. No one is going to get fired.” After a brief pause, Arnold asked, “Aren’t you a little curious about Glacier’s secret?”

 

“Is this relevant somehow?” asked Dwight.

 

“Look, I know something about Glacier that I’m not supposed to know. Don’t you want to know what?”

 

“Is this a secret I really want to know?”

 

“It’s PG. I promise. So, I was fixing the comms console in Glacier’s room when he came back. He didn’t know I was there, and he was blabbing on his cell. I have no idea what the context was or who he was talking to, but he said that his biggest fear is lava.”

 

“Lava?”

 

“Yeah. And he doesn’t want the Captain or anyone else to find out. Apparently, he lied about it in his psych evals. He doesn’t want a rep as a stereotypical super with an easily exploited weakness.”

 

Dwight was silent for a moment, a small cease forming between his eyebrows. “Wait, who is on call today?”

 

“Who do you think?”

 

“Oh man! Glacier is going to be so pissed. Like super pissed. Especially when he realizes there is no lair.”

 

“Payback time, my friend! For all of it. For constantly hitting on my girl. For making fun of your action figures. For licking the frosting off all the doughnuts every time someone brings them in.” Arnold turned to look Dwight in the eyes. “This is a little revenge for all the crap he shovels our way every day.”

 

“You’re playing a dangerous game.”

 

“He has no idea I know about the lava thing. That’s what makes this such a great idea.”

 

“He’s got superpowers.”

 

“Well, I’ve got science.”

 

“Pretty sure powers win.”

 

“In the long run, probably. But short term, I can make him sweat a little.”

 

“If this goes badly, I’m not taking the fall with you. It’s your ass on the line so it’s your call, but I think you should delete the email. This is a terrible idea.”

 

“It’s brilliant.” After seeing the look on Dwight’s face, Arnold added, “Okay, maybe not mastermind level, but it’s solid. It only impacts Glacier and nobody gets hurt. Seriously, what could go wrong? It’s not like we’re messing with one of the really powerful heroes. I bet no one else will even notice.”