“McTavish! I figured it out!” Roberts called as he charged into our drawing room.

 

“You figured out what?” I asked, putting down my copy of the Times.

 

“What to do with my time machine,” he said.

 

I interrupted him. “Just a moment,” I said. “We had this discussion; time machines are…”

 

"I know, old boy," he said, returning the interruption. "Time machines are death traps for animate things. Death can happen at any time. I know. But the solution to the problem is simple."

 

“What solution?” I asked as I filled my pipe.

 

“I use the time machine to send inanimate objects,” he said as he settled into a Windsor chair.

 

I did not want to burst his balloon violently. "You're going to send inanimate objects to the past. What's the point?"

 

"Not to the past. You are right. That would be pointless,” he said.

 

“To the future?” I queried.

 

“Not the distant future,” he said coyly. “I will send the object to the present.”

 

“What are you planning to send to the present? What would be the point? Isn’t the object already in the present?” I said, trying not to mock my friend.

 

“Pizza!” he said. “I could offer instantaneous pizza delivery.”

 

“You lost me,” I said. “What does time travel have to do with pizza delivery?”

 

“Einstein theorized time and space are linked,” Roberts said. “In most time travel tales, the location of the time-traveling object does not change while the protagonist moves through time. I propose to use my time equations to move things through space while holding time constant. I could take a pizza out of the oven and immediately have it materialize in your home! The pizza would be fresher and hotter than most offerings in restaurants.”

 

I thought for a moment before I spoke.

 

“Roberts, have you considered the complications?" I asked solemnly.

 

“What complications, McTavish?” Roberts said. “I do not perceive any complications.”

 

“How are you going to know where to send the pizza?” I said. “You need a precise location. A street address wouldn’t do. Where would the pizza materialize? On the roof? In the garden? In the dustbin? People would need to mount a treasure hunt to find their pizza.”

 

“Reasonable objection," he said slowly. "I would need an app for their mobile device to give GPS coordinates.”

 

“That would help. It would not remove the complication,” I said. “Suppose I was standing up and ordered a pizza using your app. Would a pizza materialize where I was holding my mobile? That would mean a pizza would materialize over five feet above the carpet. Having a pizza fall on the carpet would be a problem. What if something is on the carpet, like a child or an apparatus?”

 

“People would need to order from their table," he said in a testy tone. “I’ll have to think about how to mandate that."

 

"How would you make that happen? You expect people to follow directions?" I said. "Most people aren’t that rational. Even if they did what you wanted, issues remain. Suppose I sit at our table and order a pizza. Before the pizza arrives, our housekeeper, Mrs. Judson, sets a stack of plates where the pizza will appear. What happens? Are the plates pushed out of the way and broken? Does the pizza meld with the plates? Either possibility would upset Mrs. Judson.”

 

“Mrs. Judson would be upset, but she’s a good sport," Roberts said. "I see there are a few problems to work out."

 

“A few?” I said. “Let’s consider another option. Someone riding in an automobile orders a pizza. By accident, they asked for the pizza to be delivered to their current location. Would pizza start appearing somewhere on the motorway? Does pizza start to materialize on unwitting people’s vehicles? What if they believe you will deliver to their car wherever it is? Sounds like a lawsuit in waiting.”

 

“There are some problems I have not considered,” Roberts said. “I'm sure I can solve them.”

 

Roberts started polishing his monocle. The action showed he found the conversation vexing. I rose and poured myself brandy. I resumed my seat by the fire before continuing our discussion.

 

“Have you considered the disruptions your idea can cause?” I asked.

 

“I would disrupt the current pizza delivery practices,” Roberts said proudly. “I don’t perceive any others.”

 

“Let us consider a possibility,” I said. “A woman believes a suitor jilted her. She chooses to get vengeance by having pizza rain at his nuptial ceremony. I believe another set of lawsuits would result.”

 

“Oh, dear,” he said. “I doubt a proper lady would do such a thing.”

 

“I know people who plan weddings,” I said. “I believe there are women who would stoop to such an action. The tactic could disrupt political assemblies, courts of law, or any number of things.”

 

“That would be dreadful,” he said in a crestfallen tone. “I guess the idea was improper.”

 

“There's nothing wrong with an improper idea if it leads to better things," I said. “Buck up, old boy. Keep considering your options. There may be a solution.”

 

“I will," he said, regaining his confidence. "Thanks for hearing me out."

 

“That’s what friends are for,” I said as I retrieved my newspaper.