Fins<)))<: First time user here. Not sure how I feel about sharing with a random sentient being from a distant planet, but our current catastrophe has me willing to take a shot in the dark.

 

SporeUs88: I’m a newbie too. Don’t you just marvel at this cutting edge technology that enables our messages to travel between entire galaxies at nearly instantaneous speeds through the Dark Energy Network for free? (Didn’t mean to sound like an in-text ad-bot. Point being, it’s smart to be suspicious). Anyway, how are things?

 

Fins<)))<: Things suck. We’ve been invaded.

 

SporeUs88: No way! I thought the Tribunal had outlawed colonization.

 

Fins<*)))<: Yeah, we think our overlords attacked before that law went into effect. All our historical records indicate that we’ve always been subservient to the Landies.

 

SporeUs88: That sucks. Landies? You call them that because they landed on your planet?

 

Fins<*)))<: No. We’re an aquatic species but the Landies get around up above.

 

SporeUs88: Airbreathers. Figures. They have a reputation for being unnecessarily aggressive.

 

Fins<*)))<: That’s an understatement. Speaking of which, one of them just swam down and demanded that I get to work. Signing off for now.

 

SporeUs88: Ok. Hit me up after.

 

Fins<*)))<: I’m back.

 

SporeUs88: What did they want?

 

Fins<*)))<: To make sure I’d checked the algae farms, monitored the fish-herds, and maintained the deep sea vents that power their cities.

 

SporeUs88: That’s a long list. Do they help out at all?

 

Fins<*)))<: No. Landies can stay underwater for only an hour at the max. They need us to handle deep sea tasks. Honestly, I don’t think they could do much else besides boss us around.

 

SporeUs88: How’s that?

 

Fins<*)))<: It’s a mystery how they scored high enough on the intergalactic sentience screener to be considered “intelligent” life. Maybe “life.” But not intelligent. So, let’s hear more about you.

 

SporeUs88: I’d rather not.

 

Fins<*)))<: Come on. Send a selfie.

 

SporeUs88: No. Way.

 

Fins<*)))<: Ok. What kind of intelligent life are you?

 

SporeUs88: …

 

Fins<*)))< ??????

 

SporeUs88: I’m a planet-wide biomass of interconnected fungus. Happy now?

 

Fins<*)))<: I thought I had it bad.

 

SporeUs88: Thanks.

 

Fins<*)))<: No. I mean. You have a great personality.

 

SporeUs88: Haha. Shut. Up.

 

Fins<*)))<: Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. That must be hard, I guess? Maybe there’s an upside?

 

SporeUs88: Since we’re one interconnected being, there’s tens of thousands of years of wisdom stored up into one giant neural bank. But we can’t share it easily because it’s, ahem, spore packet based. I know. Embarrassing. Kinda sad. So, anyway, Is your species starting a rebellion?

 

Fins<*)))<: I wish we could, but it’d be kinda hard without any adults.

 

SporeUs88: Uh, as someone who is perpetually conjoined with my ancestors… honestly, that sounds AWESOME.

 

Fins<*)))<: Not really. Landies come down and take our oldest once they get twitchy. We’re not sure where they take them, but we never see them again.

 

SporeUs88: Gross. Sounds like a genocide. Couldn’t you report this?

 

Fins<*)))<: We’ve tried. No response.

 

SporeUs88: Yikes. So, tell me more about “twitchy.”

 

Fins<*)))<: We start out in swarms. Then we grow up and do all the undersea work until we get twitchy.

 

SporeUs88: So how old are you?

 

Fins<*)))<: Wanna know if I’m twitching yet?

 

SporeUs88: Yeah. Guess I do.

 

Fins<*)))<: You first.

 

SporeUs88: I’m 21,987 years old. That make you twitchy?

 

Fins<*)))<: A bit. Honestly. That’s why I was desperate enough to try the Dark Energy Network. Send word to the Tribunal if you don’t hear from me again. My twitching's getting bad.

* * *

 

SporeUs88: You there?

 

SporeUs88: Here, fishy, fishy.

 

SporeUs88: Ok, Seriously. It’s been too long. Just let me know you’re alright.

 

SporeUs88: Hey, this is my last attempt. You there?

 

Fins<*)))<: Yeah. I'm here.

 

SporeUs88: So… this whole twitch sitch?

 

Fins<*)))<: Yeah. It happened. I survived.

 

SporeUs88: He’s alive!

 

Fins<*)))<: Yes, but…

 

SporeUs88: But what?

 

Fins<*)))<: You’re not going to believe it.

 

SporeUs88: I’ve seen a lot in over twenty millennia. Let’s go. Spill it.

 

Fins<*)))<: Ok here goes… We’re them.

 

SporeUs88 : Huh?

 

Fins<*)))<: We. Are. Them. There was no alien invasion. No colonizers. That’s why the Tribunal never responded. We’re the freaking same species. We just go through some crazy metamorphosis. It’s part of our life cycle.

 

SporeUs88: Weird.

 

Fins<*)))<: Says the intelligent slime mold.

 

SporeUs88: How’s it feel to breathe the atmosphere?

 

Fins<*)))<: Not that different from water.

 

SporeUs88: Hmmm. Breathing seems so unnecessary.

 

Fins<*)))<: As unnecessary as locomotion?

 

SporeUs88: Haha. So. Funny. But seriously. Why not tell your younger versions of your species

that you’re all on the same team? Stop being aliens to each other.

 

Fins<*)))<: Such a sage question from the wise mushroom.

 

SporeUs88: Well… Why!?

 

Fins<*)))<: Ok, Mr-hive-mind-with-a-nearly-infinite-number-of-neural-connections, how would you bridge this communication gap?

 

SporeUs88: We’ve seen this before. If only I could send some spore packets of experiences from similar species, you’d see how easy it is to fix this.

 

Fins<*)))<: Funny you mentioned sending matter through the DEN. Turns out us Landies aren’t quite knuckle-draggers after all. We’re pretty big brain scientists. Close to figuring out how to send matter and not just messages through the DEN.

 

SporeUs88: But how would you get to space?

 

Fins<*)))<: My fellow Landies say there’s a sky hook that connects to an orbiting space station, but we have no idea how we’re supposed to get up there. Hang on. Getting a case of the twitches again.

 

SporeUs88: Again?

 

Fins<*)))<: Yes. Again!

 

SporeUs88: Wish there was something I could do.

 

Fins<*)))<: Well, there is. You see this image I just sent?

 

SporeUs88: Yeah. What about it?

 

Fins<*)))<: Run it through your memory banks. See if you can find out what it is.

 

SporeUs88: You got it, my twitchy former fishy.

 

Fins<*)))<: Hurry. They keep popping out everywhere.

 

SporeUs88: Scanning my data banks right now. Hmmm, they've been known to occur in the distant past — but these haven’t been catalogued in millennia.

 

Fins<*)))<: Hey! Professor! What are they? Come on, I’m in a lot of pain here.

 

SporeUs88: They’re called feathers.